Lisa Frank (she will make boys hit girls)

I started to write this passage to describe some of my more creative fears, but in the process i rediscovered my paranoia against Lisa Frank. I also wanted to have something to submit to Grown Up Story Time this month. GUST is a monthly gathering at Rudyard's bar in which people read stories written by others. I went last month with Johann to hear them read my story Bobin of Big House. it was a ton of fun and I can't wait to go back again. I don't really need a story in this one but it makes it more fun for me.

I have been frightened of many things in my life, the dark, purple snow, even the future, but nothing has ever given me the Hebe gee bees like Lisa Frank. The thinks that that woman will print onto school supplies scares the crap out of me. Unicorns and bears in rainbow colors, dolphins in pastels wearing sunglasses, really it’s just too much to take. It’s not just school supplies either, I recently found out that since the mid 80’s Lisa Frank has been supplying girls with enough fake jewelry to collapse world markets. Stickers, pins, pens and lip gloss are not out of the question either.

I have a theory about all of this, that one day Lisa Frank herself, founder and CEO of Lisa Frank Inc. will announce her intentions to rule the world. She is in the ultimate position to raise an army of women to help her. She has been supplying them with curtness and self confidence through cheep glamour jewelry and lip gloss since they were 8. Those are the two things they value most in their dark hearts, curtness and self confidence. Now that the first generation of Lisa’s followers are grown and gaining positions of power she can start to exert her will upon the world. She will slowly add pastels and rainbows into all forms of marketing. At first we won’t notice, but by the time those of us that are aware of her plans can convince others it will be too late. The world will have already begun to accept that everything should be shinny and pink. Glitter will be sold out of vending machines, and people will put it on everything because it’s “better” that way. And on that day when the last Goth chick either dies or falls to peer pressure, Lisa will claim Victory. She will ride her rainbow Pegasus across the sky turning it purple. Then she lands in Pairs where her unicorn and rainbow spotted Dalmatians are waiting. There at the base of the Eiffel tower she will declare herself ruler of everything beneath her violet sky.

Oh well try and fight back, many of us with gather around the banner of G I Joe, giving our selves cool code names (I call Snake Eyes) and referring to Lisa Frank only as Cobra, but it will do little good. We will win very fell battles because our parents taught us not to hit girls, and we know it’s bad form to kill puppies, dolphins, and ponies. Mostly we’ll hide in our bases building overly complicated vehicles and weapons, making plans we will never use. We will have to raise a whole new generation of young men who don’t mind socking girls, but that’s just a step backwards isn’t it. No one wants a world where we raise kids to hit girls. It’s going to be a dark time in our planets history, a dictator who has used passive means to convince half the world to follow her, and the other half wanting to overthrow her but without the gumption to pull the trigger. I don’t want to have to raise my kid to be a girl hitter but I will if I have to. Please, if you don’t want your boy to have to hit girls to save the world, just say no to Lisa Frank. Please do it for the children.